Stuff Pretentious People Like: Heated Discussions about Non-Controversial Subjects

Pretentious people have the best time when they are talking about stuff. Not only do they love the sounds of their own voices (individually, of course), but they love the feeling they get when other people think they are really knowledgeable about something. And many of them have discovered one of the best-kept secrets out there -- if you talk really loudly and sound really passionate about what you are saying, the subject matter becomes unimportant. What comes through is that you have given the subject a lot of thought and have decided it is important ... and thus, it becomes important.

The following is just a sampling of some stuff (a little crap potpourri, so to speak) and some of the reasons why they enjoy talking about it so much.

Collecting Stuff



While most pretentious people collect a pretty small range of things -- such as records, broken musical instruments they can't play and comic books -- what they collect is not as important as how they talk about it. If your passion is Hummel figures, talk about it a lot whenever you are in social situations including exciting details -- the outfit each and every one of your 1,000 Hummel figurines is wearing, where you got each figurine, how your mom started you collecting them, and now she's dead so you have to do it to properly honor her memory, the history of Hummel figurines, etc. The more details, the better. And the more people that don't know what you are talking about, the better because that means you don't even have to know for sure that the details you are providing about whatever it is you are collecting (especially their history, etc.) is actually accurate.

Tip: Make sure before you start to talk about your impressive collection, whatever it is, that you are not in the presence of other people that know anything about the particular thing you collect. A general question like, "Have you ever heard of Hummel figurines?" or "Anyone know anything about Hummel figurines?" will suffice.

Cats (and why they are better than dogs)



This subject never disappoints and can really go on for hours. Pretentious people love to talk about their love affair with cats and how quirky, smart, elegant and wonderful they are and how dumb, needy and "too accessible" dogs are in comparison. Because cats force you to earn their love by being high-maintenance and doing things as they please, when you manage to get them to love you, it's an actual accomplishment, as opposed to dogs who will just blindly like anyone without prejudice (because how much fun is it to spend your life trying to please something, essentially interrupting your life constantly to do whatever it wants just to pay it off in favors so it will continue to like you?). They also love to say repeatedly that cats are so much more rewarding to have than dogs. The argument that they will keep throwing in your face is that cats are much easier to take care of and also more independent than dogs (because they are smart enough to do their business in a litterbox), thus much less of a hassle. This discussion will inevitably lead to references to that cat on YouTube that was taught to use and flush the toilet. When you get home that night from your social engagement, an email from the pretentious person will be waiting in your inbox with a link to this video, so the conversation continues even beyond the life of the actual physical interaction.

Famous Friends No One Has Ever Heard of



Pretentious Person: "You know Gary, right?"

You: "No ... Gary who?"

Pretentious Person: "You know, Gary ... from that band ..."

You: "What's his last name?"

Pretentious Person: "Gary 'Very Scary' ... you know ... he was in the Nantucket Fuckers, The Butt Planets, Uncle Earl's Testicle, Screaming Demons, Fuel Cousin ..."

You can see that just this conversation has already eaten up about 30 seconds of time that you will never get back. And you've not actually received any information that tells you anything ... about anything. Typically the "famous people" that pretentious people talk about do not actually have last names (or at least the pretentious people don't know them, rather only the nickname they went by in their bands (because that's what all their real friends call them), none of which have been actually active since at least 1987, if not before). Still, the person will have a handful of "hanging out" or "funny, personal comment" stories about said famous person that you still have never heard of, typically taking place at a show for another band you've never heard of. The need to explain the famous person's context for the ensuing story to make any sense whatsoever will be so great that the pretentious person will have many minutes of guaranteed, uninterrupted talking time without being actually obligated to say anything of real significance. By the time the person explains who the person is (which still will be mostly a mystery) to the best of his/her ability , you will be so discombobulated that the relevance of the story to what you were talking about (which you've now forgotten) in the first place is totally unnecessary.

Every pretentious person has at least four of these supposedly famous friends and is typically constantly adding to that roster as the relationships with these famous people (aka, the stalkings of these famous people) progress.


The Past Accomplishments of Threatening People in the Room



Sometimes in order to continue to be liked (or at the very least tolerated), pretentious people have to call attention to the accomplishments of others and acknowledge that other people besides them have done stuff in their lives. By calling attention to the accomplishments of others, they look kind, giving, selfless and generous and thus earn more time to talk about themselves later. Pretentious people like best to point out the accomplishments of the people in the room by which they feel most threatened. A tangent goal of pointing out another person's accomplishments is embarrassing the person to the point that he/she will feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and like being quiet, thus giving the pretentious person more space to talk. The more over-the-top and passionate the person is about the praise, the more chance there is that the person being complimented will appear to be full of him/herself and will be compelled to down-play the accomplishment, thus seeming to be ingenuine. Regardless, conversations praising other people are excellent opportunities to bring the competition down a notch without being openly insulting.

Just don't expect to get complimented for that Ph.D you just got in astro-physics or the marathon you won two weeks ago. The pretentious person will inevitably choose to point out your most mediocre achievements from many, many years ago, such as that writing contest you won in third grade, that time you won the 100 breaststroke at a local meet in 1978 or that time you sold the most boxes of Girl Scout cookies in the Tri-State area. This way, it will be implied that your minor achievement 20 years ago is really the last and also the greatest thing you've accomplished in your life.

Stuff Pretentious People Like: Strange Afflictions

When a pretentious individual just can't get enough attention, sometimes the only way to do it is to claim some form of "constitutional weakness." While this practice may not seem like it makes sense given the pretentious person's nature to think very highly of him or herself, it makes perfect sense when you think about what a good ol' questionable syndrome or condition can do for a person. When you have something that hasn't quite been proven by medical science or is so rare that no one you know could possibly have it, you're pretty much guaranteed to be unique. And pretentious people will take appearing cutting-edge and "special" any way they can get it ... even if it means pretending like they're seeing leprechauns or having waking dreams that wild dogs are attacking their hands with popsicle sticks ... or admitting they had to take special ed in high school (because of a misunderstanding, of course) or be evaluated in a psych ward for 6 months.



Pretentious people also know they get extra bonus points if they claim one or two -- or even several -- afflictions that almost prevented them from making it past infancy or childhood, because they then become miracles of science with a greater purpose on this earth than the rest of us. After all, some supernatural force granted them the right to live because, well, they are better than the rest of us average ones that had just an occasional cold or the flu or the chicken pox or did not experience scarring bullying or the trauma of a 70 percent lower weekly allowance than all the other kids. And don't think mild "physical deformities" or simply less than perfect circumstances that were not life threatening and often eventually went away on their own don't count. They are sometimes even worse because they bring about taunting, which can in many cases be more devastating than illnesses because it causes such terrible psychological damage that survival is almost unbelievable. Such conditions include being sway-backed/having bad posture, having to wear glasses or braces, developing breasts too early or not early enough, having a bad haircut between the ages of 8 and 11, having a family that was on a strict budget, etc.

Another reason syndromes and diseases, real or imaginary are great is because one of the major rules of social etiquette is that if someone wants to talk about being ill or feeling "feverish" or like the side of the body that is supposed to go numb while having a heart attack or stroke (regardless of actual age)"might" be feeling a "little tingly," everyone has to listen. Because if you don't believe and listen to someone that might really be experiencing a medical emergency or have a terminal disease, it's pretty much your fault if the person dies. Even if it's a psychological problem that is causing the symptoms, this problem could grow in intensity until it leads to suicide, for which, again, you'd be responsible because you were a heartless nay-sayer.

The following is a brief list of syndromes and diseases that pretentious people would just love to have and would love for you not to believe they have so later, if -- rather when -- they die you can spend a lifetime sucking on the bitterness of your own guilt (and what brings about immortality more successfully and eternally than guilt?):

Malaise: This affliction is an old favorite among the pretentious population and one that can be used over and over again without being questioned. Basically (in case you are unfamiliar with its clinical definition), it's a feeling of general discomfort or uneasiness. Symptoms include being "generally dissatisfied," "out of sorts," feeling like you're "coming down with something" or feeling vaguely "like something bad is about to happen." It can also be used as a gateway to talking about potential psychic abilities and can really springboard a pretentious person's credibility as someone that is "wacky" or "unique." Malaise can lead to a variety of other major diseases (including some that are terminal) and can provide hours of conversation for pretentious people ... because the "What could it be?" question is one that can really be discussed forever ... as long as there's not a trip to an actual doctor involved.

Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS): This is a real problem. Its symptom is basically the irresistible urge to move the legs. Other names for it include, "I Am Training for a Marathon and Ran 50 Miles This Week Disease," "7 Cups of Coffeeitis," and "Computer-Related Day Job Virus."



Photic Sneeze Reflex: This is basically the need to sneeze when exposed to direct light. It can cause disruptions that force people to pay attention to you whenever lights are turned on. Pretentious people will get very embarrassed about this problem, which might cause them to have to talk about it for a while to anyone that has to watch it in horror and panic.




Foreign Language Syndrome: This is a particularly big problem within the Pretentious People Community because so many of them "used to be fluent" in so many different languages. This is basically a psychological disorder that prevents a person from being able to control speaking English or the native language of choice with a foreign accent. Because they already often "sometimes dream" in French, German, Latin, Portuguese, Dutch or a variety of other languages because they were once so proficient, it's natural that this would happen. Madonna started suffering from it when she went to England, and it really only happens to people that travel abroad a LOT.



Bonnet Syndrome: This one is not psychological, so it's extremely hard to question. Basically, it's caused by eye degeneration that leads the sufferer to see ghosts and little costumed elves and leprechauns and things.



Darby O'Gill of "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" suffered from Bonnet Syndrome. It is often misdiagnosed as alcoholism and drug abuse and can mimic the feeling pretty much everyone gets on St. Patrick's Day or while being forced to watch any holiday parade.

Pretentious People Really Like Ironic Images Taken from Real Life and Pop Culture

If there's one thing that pretentious people just can't get enough of (and there's definitely not just one thing), it's ironic images ripped from real life and the endless annals of pop culture. They like to talk about them, use them in their blogs, leave them as comments on other people's blogs, Facebook and Myspace profiles and send them as part of viral e-mail forwards. Many pretentious people that are very technologically-savvy also like to spend hours creating their own ironic images in Photo Shop or taking their own photographs of the ironic stuff they see in their very busy, worldy daily lives.

Some examples of ironic images:












But what is really so great about this irony for our pretentious friends? It's a really great way to show people how smart they are without either a) doing any appreciable work or b) making a distinguishable or useful contribution to society.

How does this work? Well, all pretentious people have to do (at the bare minimum) to get an ironic image is do a few seconds of online searching and, voila! They have an instant and self-explanatory joke that might, in the best-case scenario, produce the same results in recipients as watching an entire Wes Anderson movie in 1/120th of the time. It's a win-win situation. They don't have to make it up or explain it, and they can get credit for finding it, which, thanks to the Internet is actually perceived as the same as being responsible for making it up or designing it or coming up with the idea themselves. And if they post it on someone's public social networking page, they are guaranteed to have lots and lots of people see just how smart and obscure they are, either permanently or until the comments fill up and they are no longer on the first page of comments (at which point they can simply find another ironic image to post ... easy!).

They of course get extra bonus points if they encounter the hilarious and ironic image in real life and take an impromptu photo or design it themselves combining images and slogans with Photo Shop.

WARNING: Pretentious People, NEVER reveal the actual number of hours, days or weeks you spent locating and/or designing said ironic image! If you're asked how long it took you, the maximum acceptable time (if you want to still seem incredibly awesome) is five minutes and ONLY while you were waiting for someone to send you an e-mail about the next steps of a work project.

As an extra bonus, in most cases pretentious people also don't have to even understand why the image they find is ironic. And if asked by the victims of their viral posting or e-mailing what it means, they can always use that as an opportunity to throw in a "you had to be there" or simply be condescending to avoid having to answer the question while still maintaining (most of) the original obscure and hilarious credit.

In most cases, finding that perfect ironic image is about 100 times better than actually accomplishing anything (aka, earning a Ph.D, getting a promotion at work, medaling at the Olympics, winning a Nobel Prize, getting married, having a child, etc., etc.). Of course, you have to find or produce more than one during your lifetime, but that's not so bad, is it?

How many ironic images = one very productive life?

7.

The Stuff Pretentious People Like Translator: Today's Lesson

It's a well-known fact that while what comes out of pretentious people's mouths is usually English (unless they are rattling off names of dead French or Italian filmmakers or Portuguese ska bands), you can't trust what they say they like as being an actual representation of what they like. Here's a sampling of stuff pretentious people might say they like and what this stuff translates to in plain, inferior English.

Pretentious people say their favorite movie is ...

Anything that Falls into the Category of French Film Noir:





Their actual favorite movie is ...

Anything Your Little Sister Watched in the 90's or that Stars Ralph Macchio or Patrick Swayze:













Pretentious people say their favorite books are ...

Kitschy Romance and Crime Novels from the Mid-20th Century (which they only collect and read for the stunning cover art):









Their actual favorite books are ...

Soft-Core Contemporary Middle-Aged Porn (aka, Anything that Has Been Made into a Lifetime Movie) and "Gritty" Contemporary Crime Novels:









Pretentious people say their favorite TV show is ...

"Arrested Development" (only on DVD and watched on their computer, since they don't own a TV)



"Deadwood" (again, only on DVD, sometimes illegally downloaded in some form of bit torrent ... it's edgy, man ...)



Their actual favorite TV show is ...

Anything Broadcast on the UPN Network







"Grey's Anatomy:"



"7th Heaven:"

Pretentious People LOVE Ageism

If you're over 25, out of college and entrenched in the work force (and don't work every day staring into the business end of a camera at the MTV studios), you most likely find yourself surrounded by people of many different ages. As you start to navigate the real world, you may even befriend those that are older than you are ... sometimes by as many as 10-20 years. If you meet this older crowd for the first time when you are under 30 and they are really into film noir, organized vegan dinner parties, going to see their friends' friends' old man bar band play disturbingly clean and accurate covers of "Richard and the Young Lions" songs or any like activities, there's pretty much not a chance of you ever being taken seriously, no matter what you do, how well you get to know them or by how many years you outlive them. Even if they die young at 40 and you die at 90, out-lasting their life span by 50 years, you will still never be considered a viable adult capable of really "getting" anything.

"Wait ... what about when I hit 30?"

No. Not even then. In fact, even when you hit 40, these older friends -- when meeting a particularly hip and worldly 19 year-old at a lounge, while sitting with their computer at the corner coffee house (aka, laptop comptroller station) or just out and about -- will almost always refer to the person as "your age" when asked. They also call any male under 35 "this kid," to the point you might sometimes be incredibly disoriented and actually think they went on a drinking binge/skinny-dipped/had a "jam" session with a 12-year old boy.

Despite the pretentious people like of calling attention to everyone younger than they are at every opportunity and lording their age over them like your grandma used to when trying to teach you the real value of a nickel (you ungrateful little snot), truly pretentious people who are older than you will be most likely in the online community to post a fake age on myspace so no one really knows how old they are.

(Incidentally, the approved official myspace age for pretentious people over 35 is either a very ironic "99" or an unnecessarily sassy AND ironic "69." The 99 is typically reserved for men over 40 that are trying to showcase their funny side to attract younger women, whereas the 69 is for women in their 30's who are having a hard time coming to terms with their sexuality and need to put it all out there.)

Why does this happen? Pretentious people LOVE ageism because it's the perfect opportunity to alienate people in order to make their own likes and dislikes seem even more unique. Did you ever go to a Clash concert? Did you get to go see the "real" Pixies (before they were in "reunited" form ... I mean, it was the same people, but a different attitude, because when you saw them, they weren't at their height. You just got their sloppy seconds, and you'll never be able to know how awesome they were in their heyday, because you're not old enough)?



Do you remember that one McDonald's commercial from 1975?




No? Too bad. It was awesome.

But why are pretentious people really obsessed with outing anyone younger than they are? Because they are totally insecure and also worried that perhaps other people might question what the hell they are doing hanging out with potentially cooler, more desirable younger people. And by calling attention to the "kids" and announcing their own experiences, they are reinforcing their very selfless role as "teachers." After all, you don't know any better, and they are just teaching you how to behave in the world and be as cool as they are ... sort of like very hip and self-aware versions of Jesus.

As a "younger" person that couldn't care less about age but also would never have the patience to hang out with a 21 year-old, I have developed the perfect comeback to shut up ageists:

"You know, there comes a point when I stop being young ... and you just start being old."

An Introduction to Stuff Pretentious People Like

Welcome to the "Stuff Pretentious People Like" Blog.

Basically, this blog is dedicated to many different types of snobs (because there are indeed many, many different flavors). If the first thing that comes to mind is "hipsters," I will tell you that yes, we know that hipsters are becoming the dandelions of today's high pretention society. The hipster phenomenon spans every age group from 14-60 and afflicts those of all genders and with wide-ranging IQ levels ... and it will of course be a topic of conversation in this space.

We'll explore the delicate psyche of those that spend hours making up lists of music, movies and books no one has heard of to list on their myspace profiles in an attempt to alienate others in a way that no "RL" interaction quite can. We'll unravel the complex tapestry of fashion sense that makes people think that "ugly" means "ironic" and that "ironic" is synonymous with "cool" (and not just an annoying literary term that no one can define on the spot a la Winona Ryder in every hipster's favorite movie of the 90's, (what is now retro yesteryear) "Reality Bites").



Of course, we'll also talk about "old school"snobbery born from the greats that have practiced agism and elitism for centuries -- the concept has reversed the "don't trust anyone over 30" idea so that it is now something stated by older people -- "Don't trust anyone under 70 that doesn't own stock, didn't vote republican and doesn't have season tickets to some major cultural entity (symphony, opera, etc.)."





We'll also talk about why certain people are better than you or I, regardless of age or station.



This list includes but is not limited to the following individuals: people under 25 that get car services covered by their company when they go on vacation five times per year to tropical locations (but cannot accurately describe what they do for a living in 100 words or less); people that are 40 but remember their SAT scores and still talk about them in great detail; people that think their life of drugs, sex and irresponsibility equals the same level of accomplishment (if not a higher level of achievement) than a college degree or an advanced degree; everyone that "didn't have time" for college because they were "too busy" teaching themselves "more important and useful things" and so smart that regular education bored them; everyone that "would've done [insert name of accomplishment that requires a lot of work and dedication here] if only I had not had to [insert lame and dramatic excuse that puts all responsibility on a third party here];" everyone that thinks being self-taught at a musical instrument or anything else is more impressive and admirable than spending many years studying it (and actually chose to be self taught even though presented with many opportunities to learn from someone else); people that want to spend more than 30 minutes at an art museum (but only actually do it if someone else will go with them); people that brag about not owning a television set; those that will only watch movies if they can fall into the category of "films" (which I think is defined by anything that has Chloe Sevigny in it); everyone that thinks Chloe Sevigny is the most beautiful person in the world as well as the best actress; people that petitioned to get "Arrested Development" back on the air; anyone that claims not to like cheese for any reason other than allergies; people who prefer cats; those that still talk regularly about characters from "Sex and the City" ... the list is going to go on and on ...






But it goes so far beyond these surface observations. We all know the "stuff pretentious people like," because they can't shut up about it (thus is their nature). What we need to know is what they actually like. Because for every Ingmar Bergman or Francois Truffaut, there are a thousand Ted Kotcheffs and Barry Sonnenfelds ... and the commoners can't be the only ones that pay attention to "movies." And you better believe that you and I are not the only ones that won't change the channel the 100th time "Point Break" is on TNT in April, and that even the most pretentious cannot get enough of the kooky, over-played dead man coverup mayhem that makes "Weekend at Bernie's" a masterpiece in its own right. If they could, they'd be even deader ... but on the inside.